if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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