I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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