I think im going to throw up on grandma
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
