Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
