its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
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