on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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