Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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