Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
