I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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