My friends, they love my intelligence
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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