The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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