the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
