I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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