If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
