I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
