def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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