You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
