walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
