Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
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