He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
