There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I FOUND THE LEGS
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
