So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
