Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
