I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
3pm strippers are depressing
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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