Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
