Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
