Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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