I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
