Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
