You smell like a Billy Joel song
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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