The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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