he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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