I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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