so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
