I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
