nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
