when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
ttyl tear gas
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
