I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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