she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
