well you can't waste a boner
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
