No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i think i have two assholes
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
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I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
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You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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