Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Randomize
