How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
