a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
