forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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