This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
