Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize