Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
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We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
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yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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