I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
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