Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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