I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
