got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
