I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
