I'm eating all of the evidence.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
