My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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